Logistics of failure (part one)

The winds of change are moving in and around me again, relentless and abrasive--dancing and beating its arms like a wailing woman.

Earlier during the day I went to an interview, or a "formal chat" as the office called it. I went in fully understanding I'm going back to my car an hour later deflated and helpless. This internship is a huge deal, at least for me anyway. I've been looking for an internship since April? May? Maybe even March... Not quite so sure anymore, I've been rejected so much I don't even want to think about the logistics of my failure. Nobody wants to read the geography of their incompleteness, the map of their inabilities.

Started off on the right footing, applying everywhere I can, dusted off the old resume, beefed up my writing, communications, sales whatever experience and sent it out to the world. To absolutely no avail, of course. In the meantime, I stared at the potato salad and the cold noodles at work and put away food containers and swept the floors and felt so shamed and alone it was a miracle I didn't die of humiliation while cutting yet another slab of meat.

I didn't tell anyone about the interview, I've grown tired of being so happy, so happy for a bright future that's going to go dark on me without notice. The first resume I sent out was a marketing internship for a socially conscious company that aims to reach out to the Asian, specifically Southeast Asian community. The summer was supposed to be spent educating the Asian community about environmental practices, sustainability and the green movement. Must speak a Southeast Asian language such as Tagalog. Cool... I speak/read/write/dream in Tagalog, I'm the queen of the green movement, I work for an organic co-op! I'm in!

... And nothing, not even a polite "we regret to inform you.." awkward email. When I do get an interview I was wearing my brand new Nordstrom pant suit and I felt and looked fabulous. It's tough not to look fabulous when you're wearing something crisp and looks like money stitched all over lapels and the seams.

What do you wear when... (une)

What do you wear when your life is about to change forever?

I heard Stacey London ask this almost cosmic question this morning as I was getting ready for work. If there's anything anybody needs to know about me is this: my life is a never ending series of cosmic events. I'm one of those annoying people who experience synchronicity, coincidences, deja vu, prophetic dreams, past life remembrance and other weird new age crap. But this story is for another day...

Let's start with a crisp Nordstrom dark blue almost black pants and a crisp jacket. Underneath is a white short sleeved blouse with a ruffled tuxedo front and very short, fitted sleeve and paired with a conservative yet stylish black pumps and a purple Coach handbag--the perfect outfit for my dream job/internship which hopefully turns into my dream career.

A few days ago I went to a discount chain store in search of easy summer shorts but found two beautiful dresses instead. My style goal for the past two months has been to dress exactly the opposite of how I normally dress which isn't saying much, quite frankly. I save dresses and heels for very, very special occasions like going to see the ballet. If I'm going to spend $60 on entertainment I might as well look nice. The dress is something I've seen on a fashion magazine before but at a steep discount of course. It falls on my knees, hugs my body close enough and opens up at the right places. And it's black. One of my go-to colors for clothing and accessories. I would have wanted the same dress in mustard or turquiose--a happy color in the spectrum but this one looked oh so lovely.

I haven't quiet figured out why out of all the colors in the Crayola box black and I make the most sense. My natural tendency is to be sullen and morose: I'm Wednesday Addams at 27, underemployed and views life as one giant turd bath.

The open-toed patent leather pumps I bought next door from another discount chain store is literally my little black dress' one true love. This is the kind of pairing that begs to be taken out to dinner at Purple or some fabulous restaurant in the Eastside.