The one who gets the whale

When I started this blog I had every intention of posting every week, or a few times a week. But life happens as I like to say. I don’t know how frequent posters manage to update their blogs every week because I, for one, can’t do it. Or at least do not have the energy to do so. My default status is to hide behind my books. So I’m trying to live amongst the people once again despite all the disappointments I’ve had lately with people. Hell is other people, I always think.

My grand plan of moving out of my place into a new one by tomorrow failed miserably. Not only did I realized I made a grave mistake of wanting to room with a not-so reliable person, a greedy landlord is holding my deposit + my first and last months’ deposit in her greedy little hands. She met with me and she was a nice, cordial person.  She met with my future roommate and she wasn’t so nice, or so cordial. My future roommate bolted on the transaction and left me holding a bag of crap, so to speak. The landlord won’t give me my money back, all $2800 of it, because according to her, she lost money when I bolted from the agreement. Her other option was to charge me rent for 10 months. As of this writing I’m still waiting for her check to clear. I don’t know if there’s a check that was actually deposited in my account but for now, I’m saving all her text messages saying she deposited my money back, just in case, you know, I have to go to small claims court.

I have tuition fee to pay for, by the way. All $1715 of it, and I’m waiting to get my money back so I can pay for my tuition fee. U have 8 credits left for my BA degree and the stress of not knowing if I’m able to pay for that is eating away at me. Did I mention this month was a giant ball of expenses and bills? I went to a routine dental check-up and by the time I left, I paid $270 for future treatments. I don’t know how I went from a $30 prescription toothpaste to a procedure which costs $210. Thank god for my top-of-the-line insurance, the bill would have been close to a $1000. I don’t know whether I really needed the procedure or whether they saw I have $1800 in insurance benefits left and saw $ and heard the cash register ding.

Sometimes, I really don’t know anymore.

It’s tough being an adult in a greedy, capitalistic country. Did I mention I had to have repairs done on my car, and same thing, I don’t know whether it’s necessary or people just need to hit their sales goals? This is why I like working in food; I’m not forcing people to go without the necessary stuff if they don’t want to.

This is why I’m holding out on my place. For a small amount I live in a safe neighborhood with friendly landlords and roommates. It’s not the most glamorous living arrangement but I like having the extra cash cushion.

Amidst all of this I’m looking at jobs outside my field and all I want to do is cry—$10 an hour for an editorial job in a newspaper near and dear to my heart; ten whole dollars for my labor. I looked at a very interesting job opportunity for a non-profit but it only pays $200 a week. $200 a week. My rent is $550 a month, without a trust fund I don’t how I’ll be able to eat or pay for gas.  I need to stop looking at job ads because all I want to do is cry, and I get this sour feeling in my stomach.

I’m graduating in exactly 2 weeks. I still have summer classes but still, I’m graduating in 2 weeks. I started college when I was 17 and I finally made it out at 28. I can tell you that this diploma means a lot more to me than all these kids whose parents paid for college. I don’t know if my degree will open up an fiscally-viable doors but this is my Everest, my Moby Dick, and finally, I’m the one who gets the whale.

Last night, because I can’t sleep, I sent my application for a short course program at the state university. It’s a 3-credit class and I have no doubt in my mind that this 3-credit class will crack open some doors that are sealed from my sights. Who knows? If I like this class, I might keep going until I have a whole new batch of skill sets that I never had before. That, to me, is the most exciting prospect of all.

That Sally Field moment

Last night after working nine-days straight without time off, and almost unlimited overtime thrown in the mix, I emceed a fundraising event for the NGO near and dear to my heart. I bought a pair of shoes that are "so not me" bright pink and fuchsia and gave me about three extra inches of height. The kind of shoes that turn complete strangers into adoring fans. My red dress wanted something fun to dance with, and my black pumps isn't going to cut it.

I've never emceed before, and I really hope after last night, I won't have to do it again. I'll be lying if I say I didn't have that Sally Field moment of thinking, "they like me! they really like me!" I stood in front of about a hundred people and told my story, the way I can only tell my story, of being constantly underachieving to overachieving in less than a year's time. I spoke about the power and magic of wishing, and how my three small wishes harnessed force, and became so powerful it steered the course of my life forever.

One more wish I had that I never fully articulated is meeting this one board member. Her educational aspirations closely resembled mine but she changed paths and became a Senior Program Manager at Microsoft. Full disclosure: I've been harboring thoughts of learning front-end web development and I've had a nagging suspicion for months now that I should scratch that itch.

And so, I asked for her card, when she casually mentioned we should talk more in the future. I checked the website just to be sure I am talking to the person I wanted to talk to forever. I shot her a quick e-mail asking about the possibility of a coffee date in the future. I want to pick this woman's brain, you gotta understand.

un-settled

And so I finally get my much-anticipated raise and promotion. Did the heavens open and the angels sang? No. Although I wish they did, because right now I feel nothing but "..."

Frankly the raise and the promotion came up at the worst time. The past two weeks we've been dealing with constant customer complaints and staff upheavals. It felt like someone hexed my whole department and dropped bad juju all over the place. Most days I have to keep myself from typing up a resignation letter and mailing it off to my boss.

I'm riddled with anxiety and self-doubt. After a disastrous encounter with an irate client, I was thoroughly convinced this isn't the work for me, and I had better start looking for somethng else. The problem is, entry-level editorial jobs pay almost no money and I'm in an upward trend with my salary. I've doubled my salary in less than a year, and once I get my paycheck this week, that would inch up even more.

Really, how do you give up an upward trend in your finances?

Not to say I'm not looking for opportunities, in a couple of weeks I'm going to emcee a fundraising event for my beloved NGO. I've also been picking up more opportunities to get involved with them, which I hope might end up building my resume.

Still, that nagging voice inside my head lingers. It keeps telling me to keep looking, to keep forging
ahead.

In the meantime, I have papers to write for school. The past few weeks have drained all my mental energy to the point where the words don't flow like it normally does. Essays are harder to squeeze out of me when before I could write page after page with no effort at all...

Now I'm looking for a new apartment. I've found a roommate, my co-worker coincidentally, whose upward mobility I've been pushing for since we met. In my mind the apartment is 2 bedrooms, 2 bath, right smack in the middle of a bustling downtown area close to work. Accessibility to the local library highly desired, private and gated, even more so. Affordable without giving up the luxury and the comforts.

I'll let you know how it all works out.

Chief

Looking at my April calendar view and the blank square spaces are already choked with events to go to, things to do, and people to meet.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a Type A Virgo, and nothing pleases me more than a calendar loaded with activities, and more importantly, a giant to do list that is getting crossed-off one by one. Largely the reason why I've been AWOL on my own blog is my overwhelmingly busy (and self-inflicted) busy calendar. This month alone, I'm helping plan two events at the non-profit where I'm both a student and a board member. One is a cocktail-type fundraiser for the aforementioned non-profit, and another is an end-of-the-year celebration for students of the same non-profit. I was volunteered as an emcee of the first event, and the second event, I'm helping plan with three other board leaders.

Overwhelming.

On top of all of this is the craziness that descended upon my department like biblical locusts. I told a colleague that somebody dropped bad juju on my department and it has infested almost everything. Today was my day off, and the night before, I slept fitfully--my dreams were bizaare and panick-y and needless to say I woke up tired, so tired.

Did I mention I'm trying to work out everyday?

I signed up for this workout regimen fittingly called, Insanity, and let me tell you, it's enough to make me mad. I know exercise is good for you but not if every minute is pure torture and pain. I'm seeing a pattern here: I really like to punish myself.

I'm having the worst writer's block on Earth.

The quarter, my second to the last, has finally started and I can't seem to produce the same amount of work I did last quarter. Okay, I've read 4 books out of 5 in my reading list, and I've written 3 (really good) essays but I don't seem to have that constant stream of inspiration that I had last quarter, and the one before. I'm afraid the Muse has walked out on me for wearing her out, treating her like a slave.

I'm also frustrated at work.

I'm waiting for a promotion and a $3 raise that doesn't seem to want to happen, and I'm feeling stagnant and bored and I want to do more. Besides, I hate picking up the phone and having people ask for "my manager," when I am one, and it's not official yet, as far as the company books are concerned. Truly, I hate having to defer some of the decision making process to other people. I'm very independent, and I have a giant arsenal of business know-how to run a department but my job title gets in my way.

It's serendipitous that I just finished reading a book about the first woman Cherokee Chief, and I found that no matter how tough things are, sometimes, they do get better.