Logistics of failure (part one)

The winds of change are moving in and around me again, relentless and abrasive--dancing and beating its arms like a wailing woman.

Earlier during the day I went to an interview, or a "formal chat" as the office called it. I went in fully understanding I'm going back to my car an hour later deflated and helpless. This internship is a huge deal, at least for me anyway. I've been looking for an internship since April? May? Maybe even March... Not quite so sure anymore, I've been rejected so much I don't even want to think about the logistics of my failure. Nobody wants to read the geography of their incompleteness, the map of their inabilities.

Started off on the right footing, applying everywhere I can, dusted off the old resume, beefed up my writing, communications, sales whatever experience and sent it out to the world. To absolutely no avail, of course. In the meantime, I stared at the potato salad and the cold noodles at work and put away food containers and swept the floors and felt so shamed and alone it was a miracle I didn't die of humiliation while cutting yet another slab of meat.

I didn't tell anyone about the interview, I've grown tired of being so happy, so happy for a bright future that's going to go dark on me without notice. The first resume I sent out was a marketing internship for a socially conscious company that aims to reach out to the Asian, specifically Southeast Asian community. The summer was supposed to be spent educating the Asian community about environmental practices, sustainability and the green movement. Must speak a Southeast Asian language such as Tagalog. Cool... I speak/read/write/dream in Tagalog, I'm the queen of the green movement, I work for an organic co-op! I'm in!

... And nothing, not even a polite "we regret to inform you.." awkward email. When I do get an interview I was wearing my brand new Nordstrom pant suit and I felt and looked fabulous. It's tough not to look fabulous when you're wearing something crisp and looks like money stitched all over lapels and the seams.