Roster of worries

I always hear the "Rocky" theme song in my head everytime I finish an essay for work. It's my way of not going completely insane from the intense work and school schedule I imposed, rather mercilessly upon myself. You see, I'm an incurable taskmaster much like Martha Stewart. The thought of long, empty days lounging around in my PJ's scare me endlessly.

I have to work.
I must be working.

If you want to kill just tell me I'm entitled to a week of doing nothing. As of this writing I have one more post and the position paper to finish for Anthropology; one more post and research paper for Digital Diversity; three more essays for my writing class. Did I mention the semester ends on Dec. 14, 2012 and I've finished 95% of the work. I failed to mention Sociology because two days ago I finished the coursework in Sociology. Quite an achievement, considering most of my classmates were viciously emailing the professor at 11:59 last night to make sure their midterm essay made it in on time--the deadline is at midnight.

I'm worried I won't have enough to do for the next month and a half so I'm mulling over applying for a three-month editorial internship while I wait to see if I am accepted for the leadership job at Seattle Education Acess, wait to see if i got the internships job at Dream Copany and wait to see if I win any more scholarships.

I'm taking on more worries just in case my roster of worries isn't nearly enough.

A sexy, sophisticated breakfast nook

Breakfast at Smoking Monkey Pizza in DTR was fabulous, just fabulous.

I met up with a group, sight unseen, to be part of a collective restaurant critique and what fun! My group involved Jenny Manning, the Renton Patch Editor and Ira Sacharoff, prolific local food blogger and two new friends Alexis and Brian. I wanted to stay nestled in underneath my three blankets after a long arduous night of tossing and turning (I took an Anthropology exam past midnight and I can't stop obsessing over the 6 answers that I got wrong) but I was very pleased to have found the motivation to jump out of bed and drive on over.

Breakfast at Smoking Monkey is unorthodox, not the usual greasy and fatty eggs and sausage combo. Jenny ordered a goat chese fritata paired with Sourdough toast and a (spicy and exciting) fig jam. Ira had a butternut squash calzone paired with the infamous (spicy and exciting!) fig jam and marinara sauce. I tend to order the day's special which as a well-received cornmeal waffle with an over medium egg and well-salted ham. The oohing and aahing resonated loudly from our table and the owner, overachieving Gene Sens came over our table to discuss his restaurants and his future plans for a good ole fashioned diner like Geraldine's Counter and Skillet over in Seattle.

I've been burned by bad breakfast food before and I'm pleased to say that Smoking Monkey's breakfast addition to the Renton restaurant repertoire is going to be a fabulous and delicious venture. The only downside I can see is that it won't be well-received by families with kids in their party. This breakfast nook is for adults only and rightfully so--it's sexy, provocative and downright innovative.

Buon appetito!

Seven

Never underestimate the power of synchronicity and signs. I was at the U-District earlier during the day walking around, trying to enjoy a rainy day and there it was, a headline concerning my dream company. It was a terrible piece of news but it was about my dream company nonetheless, and not even an hour later, while I was paying up for mediocre Indian buffet lunch, one of the owners the magic numbers associated with this company.

Twilight Zone.

If there's anything at all that you need to know about me is that I have twilight zone moments almost  everyday of my life. I'm a walking Twilight Zone episode.

I received an email from the Hiring Manager who shall decide my fate. It's quite a huge jump in the right direction for me. I've been trying to get a job at this company for a year now and all I've received is dead air.

Dead Air is terrible if you're looking to move up in your career.

The cue I received to check my email is when one of my Post It notes detailing eloquently all my goals for this year fell from the wall. I looked up from the incredibly arresting book that I'm reading and thought it was a sign from the universe I should look at my accounts one more time before I turn in for the night.

Lo and behold!

I see her name in my inbox and I immediately assume it's bad news. I read and it says Congratulations! off the top of the email and I'm reading so fast I could barely comprehend what they're saying.

I'm so glad I read this paradigm-shifting email pretty close to bedtime and now my heart is beating so fast I can't even think straight anymore. Good God. An internship with this company will pretty much set the stage for my future career. I set my sights pretty low thinking a liberal arts major would be cast aside in a sea of business, and engineering majors. Well, liberal arts majors are always cast aside but I refuse to take NO for an answer. I've been hearing NO my whole entire life and I've gotten pretty good at turning those NO's into a giant, resounding Yes!

What's for dinner?

I'm pretending to study for a quiz that  I'm taking as early as tomorrow morning. I've been studying all week, I've prepared a bulletproof study guide and I'm ready for the exam to be over already. Quite frankly, I'm not a big fan of exams--written exams, I can handle, as a matter of fact, I love written or oral exams. I feel like those types of exams really show the intellectual muscle behind a student's work. Memorization, however, not a big fan.

I have an extraordinary memory by the way, but still, memorizing endless passages--just not my thing. I would much rather focus on research and writing academic papers than memorize random facts.

Most of my afternoon was spent talking to my advisor at Seattle Education Access, Dr. Polly Trout. I love being able to talk to someone (a very accomplished someone) about career choices, books, and all the random splinters embedded in my brain. She told me a Ph.D. program in the Humanities could last up to 7 years. As much as I am a fan of education, 9 more years of schooling is not something I'm particularly enthused about. You see, I have a tendency to overwork and over-exert myself and I could see taking on a Ph.D. program as the end of me, quite literally. I would shut down all my friends and just hide inside my room studying, reading and writing furiously. Oh wait, I already to that, working on my B.A.

I made the mistake of telling someone my future goals and dreams that is to leave my current industry and embark on a whole new one sight unseen. Of course, I was met with a resounding no. My once unfailing optimism to work for this fabulous company is showing its cracks. A few weeks ago I felt like I could walk into an interview and get hired on the spot, and now, with the resounding no that I received over the phone and not hearing from anyone I'm starting to re-consider my dreams.

Am I really foolish for leaving behind the industry that has fed me for 10 years?

I'm a war torn veteran in my industry and I have way more than a Purple Heart to show my tenure and that's why I'm over it. Done. Finito. Business management and leadership is one of my great passions in life and I want to continue doing so for the rest of my life. Maybe it's in my industry, maybe not. I just want to know that I have other options besides what's in front of the table right now

A dream of a different life

I wonder if Captain Ahab had days when he just thought, "I just want to sleep in today. The whale will be there tomorrow." Opportunity, as we all know, is a very, very small window and I spend every day off my life breaking down walls and carving my own windows.

It's all too exhausting, of course.

I work 40 hours a week to stay competitive at my derivative job. My schoolwork keeps me up at all hours everynight. To add to all that stress, I'm transferring schools next semester where I have the freedom (freedom!) to design my own curriculum. It took me three hours to write the first draft of my own curriculum... Three long hours in a coffee shop and I'm still not happy with it.

And there's the important and rather urgent matter of getting my dream job before the end of the year. I love the company I work for, the benefits, the people... but, I've reached the point of no return. I'm not in love with my industry anymore. And for the first time since I started working at 17, I want something else for myself. A dream of a different life.

Failure. What a filthy word. I'm up all hours at night to get straight A's. I obsessively check job postings at my dream company and I'm already hatching up a plan to go to graduate school early 2014 and trying to plan how my company will pay for my spring and summer semester in college. All this planning. I feel like a general plotting warfare. Not to mention countless hours hunting down scholarship money.

I refuse to fail.

Last summer, nobody wanted to hire me as an intern. Not one company.

Right after I had an emotional breakdown over being unwanted as a lowly intern I was hired at the Governor's Office. One of the best experiences of my life and an excellent resume addition, if I may say so myself. During the course of my summer internship I was promoted to Sushi chef at work, my pay got bumped up and soon after my internship ended, I was moved up to management.

 Things are wonderful in my life right now and I realized, while I was talking to a dear friend, that all these wonderful things didn't fall from the sky. I worked ridiculously hard for all of it. I worked 60 plus hours a week to make something, everything happen. I figured, I finally cracked the code to the art of making dreams come true. You don't sit around for a fairy godmother (although one would be fabulous!).. for all my tarot readings, feng shui, astrology and aura clearings... the two things that have really worked is when I put myself out there, took every opportunity in the table and made things happen.

Musts

The tiredness is seeping into my body like a second thin layer of skin. Six days into my new role at work and I'm completely exhausted--physically, emotionally and spiritually. My body just wants to run around for a few miles to unload most of the splinters studded in my mind.

But I can't.
Must work.
Must go to class.
Must read this book.
Must push ahead.

My grocery list of musts is driving me insane.

I'm having trouble sleeping.

A wise man told me I should get a hobby. Easy for him to say, he has time in his hands. I don't. I work 40 hours a week. I have 12 credits in college. I'm applying viciously for an awesome internship in the summer. My job is rolling into the busy season.

I'm planning my next semester. I'm doing an independent learning program.
Must write up my program next semester.

I read about women who do way more than I do and I wonder if I'm doing enough.

Last night I ate a single serving mini cheesecake in front of my computer while powering through a class project. I'm trying to lose at least 8 pounds. I figured, I have to stop eating after 6 PM to give my body time to recharge and rest instead of burning away calories in my sleep.

But I can't. I was tired, wiped out from an excruciating day at work and a New York cheesecake is exactly what the doctor ordered.

I slept soundly last night.

mindless

I really should be reading one of the books I'm required to read for Sociology class. I'm a classic workaholic. I've been on paid vacation for 6 days and all I did, save for one day, is power through school work.

My brain, sufficiently exhausted from all the grueling exercise it's been working it's way through is craving simple carbohydrates. Lots of them. I'm supposed to be working on losing 8 pounds but all the brain work I've been doing is making me want to eat. Lots and lots of food.

I wanted to watch the new episode of Revenge but someone who lives in the the house I'm renting is hiding the remote. I'm wired from all the coffee I managed to suck down at the cupcake and from the sheer exhiliration I get from being ahead, way ahead of everybody with school work. I've finished the first draft of a research paper that won't be due until November 30th. The midnight of November 30th.

I've lost my darn mind.

This is where mindless TV shows come in and I can't even watch my mindless TV show.

10/10

My wish is gathering strength. I could almost hear the Northern wind building a circumference around the globe, drawing strength from the universe; waiting for a kiss from Athena, Lord Ganesha and all the deities who answer deep, dark, almost violently desired wishes of mortals.

Everywhere I turn I see manifestations of my wish falling in and around me. A pen with the company's name on it. News about the company splashed across computer screens everywhere I go. Gossip emanating from the people who work there.

This is the wish that shall not be fully mentioned. I wished and I wished to work for this company. To grow, flourish and succeed in this company. Two days ago I've started my wishing process, I wrote, I affirmed, I've been dreaming about this job for the past two nights it almost seems real to me. A 1bedroom apartment in my price range close to the company has miraculously opened up. It's as if the gods and goddesses are tickling my psyche. Yes, yes, you can have this wish only if you want it bad enough.

But I do want it. I do. I get goosebumps thinking about this place. I always have but I never allowed myself to dream that I could work there. I sit here in the library close to my new home and I see an opening for an internship at this company. I've submitted my resume for 10 internship jobs and a few minutes ago I found out they were hiring interns for people studying my "useless" major.

My hands were shaking so violently, and it still is, I didn't know how I was able to revise my resume and send it in. The job opened up yesterday. 10/10. The magical number of growth and abundance. One of my favorite numbers. In 20 days the job closes forever.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

If I get this internship all of the people who have put me down for pursuing my "useless" major would have to kiss the ground I stand on. I am a writer, first of all. I am a businessperson, next. My whole life has been a struggle between these two planes but I always knew, I always knew my pursuit of writing wasn't for naught. I knew as much as I knew my instincts will never fail me that I could be homeless, poor and alone but my writing, my words will always save me.

Not near enough

I always feel like a kid slurping down a Wendy's frosty everytime I successfully finish my homework. Yes, I'm a geek. Today's HW is about digital divide in society and technology.

Compelling stuff, I tell you.

It would have been a lot easier to finish HW if I wasn't in the process of moving to a place I found in craig's list and sending someone off on an airplane headed to Tulsa, OK. So many changes in a condensed period of time. On top of it all, I'm waiting to hear word from two different scholarship committees. Winning those scholarships will pay off my semester at WSU.

My $3000.00 unpaid tuition fee is staring at me with bright, glaring eyes. I pay my bills way ahead of time, I really do but there's been a hiccup with my financial aid. I was promised $2800 and I'm only going to receive $750. I remember falling over myself in pain and grief and anguish knowing I didn't have enough cash on hand to pay for it all.

I needed to move to a new place and the deposit and buying odds and ends that make a home sucked my finances dry. I was working 50 plus hours a week but being in college and all, my hours dwindled down to 32. Not near enough.

But I still have it pretty good. The space I'm renting out is a fun, sunny place with a giant flat screen TV and cable. My commute will get slashed in half and my raise and promotion is only 2 days away.

moving in day

Today is supposed to be moving in day in a house in Bellevue. But I got two calls from 2 different places and now I'm not sure where to go. Landlord #1 is unprofessional in the sense that he never picks up his phone and Landlord #2 is planning on changing jobs soon so her super cheap rents might not be too super cheap after all.

It would be easier to make up a decision if I knew where I'm going to work in the next few months. I'm headed for a giant promotion in a few months and investing in an apartment because I might have to move for work or for school.