un-settled

And so I finally get my much-anticipated raise and promotion. Did the heavens open and the angels sang? No. Although I wish they did, because right now I feel nothing but "..."

Frankly the raise and the promotion came up at the worst time. The past two weeks we've been dealing with constant customer complaints and staff upheavals. It felt like someone hexed my whole department and dropped bad juju all over the place. Most days I have to keep myself from typing up a resignation letter and mailing it off to my boss.

I'm riddled with anxiety and self-doubt. After a disastrous encounter with an irate client, I was thoroughly convinced this isn't the work for me, and I had better start looking for somethng else. The problem is, entry-level editorial jobs pay almost no money and I'm in an upward trend with my salary. I've doubled my salary in less than a year, and once I get my paycheck this week, that would inch up even more.

Really, how do you give up an upward trend in your finances?

Not to say I'm not looking for opportunities, in a couple of weeks I'm going to emcee a fundraising event for my beloved NGO. I've also been picking up more opportunities to get involved with them, which I hope might end up building my resume.

Still, that nagging voice inside my head lingers. It keeps telling me to keep looking, to keep forging
ahead.

In the meantime, I have papers to write for school. The past few weeks have drained all my mental energy to the point where the words don't flow like it normally does. Essays are harder to squeeze out of me when before I could write page after page with no effort at all...

Now I'm looking for a new apartment. I've found a roommate, my co-worker coincidentally, whose upward mobility I've been pushing for since we met. In my mind the apartment is 2 bedrooms, 2 bath, right smack in the middle of a bustling downtown area close to work. Accessibility to the local library highly desired, private and gated, even more so. Affordable without giving up the luxury and the comforts.

I'll let you know how it all works out.

Chief

Looking at my April calendar view and the blank square spaces are already choked with events to go to, things to do, and people to meet.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a Type A Virgo, and nothing pleases me more than a calendar loaded with activities, and more importantly, a giant to do list that is getting crossed-off one by one. Largely the reason why I've been AWOL on my own blog is my overwhelmingly busy (and self-inflicted) busy calendar. This month alone, I'm helping plan two events at the non-profit where I'm both a student and a board member. One is a cocktail-type fundraiser for the aforementioned non-profit, and another is an end-of-the-year celebration for students of the same non-profit. I was volunteered as an emcee of the first event, and the second event, I'm helping plan with three other board leaders.

Overwhelming.

On top of all of this is the craziness that descended upon my department like biblical locusts. I told a colleague that somebody dropped bad juju on my department and it has infested almost everything. Today was my day off, and the night before, I slept fitfully--my dreams were bizaare and panick-y and needless to say I woke up tired, so tired.

Did I mention I'm trying to work out everyday?

I signed up for this workout regimen fittingly called, Insanity, and let me tell you, it's enough to make me mad. I know exercise is good for you but not if every minute is pure torture and pain. I'm seeing a pattern here: I really like to punish myself.

I'm having the worst writer's block on Earth.

The quarter, my second to the last, has finally started and I can't seem to produce the same amount of work I did last quarter. Okay, I've read 4 books out of 5 in my reading list, and I've written 3 (really good) essays but I don't seem to have that constant stream of inspiration that I had last quarter, and the one before. I'm afraid the Muse has walked out on me for wearing her out, treating her like a slave.

I'm also frustrated at work.

I'm waiting for a promotion and a $3 raise that doesn't seem to want to happen, and I'm feeling stagnant and bored and I want to do more. Besides, I hate picking up the phone and having people ask for "my manager," when I am one, and it's not official yet, as far as the company books are concerned. Truly, I hate having to defer some of the decision making process to other people. I'm very independent, and I have a giant arsenal of business know-how to run a department but my job title gets in my way.

It's serendipitous that I just finished reading a book about the first woman Cherokee Chief, and I found that no matter how tough things are, sometimes, they do get better.

Fait accompli

$3151: My tax bill, I've written the check and I have the funds to cover it. I'm mailing it out as soon as I return home.  Done. I mailed the check last week.

$500: My fellowship check that I'll receive when I return home. Deposited into my account today.

$585: State grant for school.

$1085: Money I owe for tuition, should get paid in full once the two checks are deposited. Once my $500 check clears, my tuition is completely paid in full. Yes!

$900: My credit card balance this month. Yuck, I know, but this is the highest I've ever seen my credit card balance. I paid $200 (and some small change) to the tax prepaper, over $500 for my bi-annual car insurance payment for my sister and I, and it was time to pay the phone bill (same arrangement with my sister). I sent my payment last night, it should go through by Friday.

$500: I paid off the cash that I borrowed from my brother for tuition today.

$200: Last night I deposited this amount to my IRA. I'm disappointed I can't enroll in the company 401K until July, but I plan to max out my contributions.