Peggy Olson

My department makes $6 million annually, and I'm directly in charge of 60 people. Not an army of minimum wage workers, mind you, but well-paid, union-backed employees. All of this before I'm 30.
A few years ago I was in charge of 100 people, but these are people who made minimum wage and the working conditions are so dismal I get PTSD thinking about this job.

I want to be able to feel pride in myself for such a huge accomplishment. When I was a kid I never imagined I would be directly in charge of 2 people, but 60? 60 is a huge number, and don't get me started on how my management team boosted sales between 35-55% every month.

I don't know if I'll ever stop feeling like Peggy Olson--that lingering feeling of neither here nor there, or feeling like I have certainty with who I am, and my place in the world. I should be proud of myself, I'm officially the most successful sibling in my family.

Before the age 30, and I'm the chief of an army--and it doesn't stop there. I put myself through college, I paid thousands of dollars of my own money to get my Bachelor's degree without any debt. The piece of paper when it arrives, is paid for free and clear. I'm the only one in my family who accomplished that feat.

Why am I not happier with my accomplishments? I feel as though something huge is still lacking in my life, although I can't put a name to it. It's the Peggy Olson syndrome--being young, female, and not knowing what to do, and where to go, despite being told however many times we can do whatever we want.

What a myth.

Fin

When I was a child I always wondered what "Fin" meant when a cartoon, or a TV show ended. I always thought it was an anti-climactic way of ending things. I would have preferred "goodbye," although I'm not very good at ending things either.

I received my last evaluations for the last paper I'll ever write to receive my Bachelor's degree. One month ahead of schedule of course, and somehow things feel a little bit undercooked. I almost want to submit another essay because I'm not quite done with everything, and I think I would have felt more "done" so to speak of my graduation ceremony didn't happen before I sent my paper into the matrix.

After August I will be fully matriculated with a Bachelor of Arts degree. I can't believe how easy it was to accomplish this lifelong goal. More so, I can't believe it took me this long to get this out of the way. Before graduating, I had every intent to get into a post-grad program by September, but now, with the summer moving into closure, the last thing I want to do is go back to school.

I cancelled my enrollment at the UW for a web development program. Not to say I've changed my mind, but the timing doesn't feel right. Work is becoming an Olympic event, and I just put in for an application for a staff writer position at our corporate office. I just moved in to a new place, and a birthday is coming up.

Too many changes in one plane, and frankly, all I want to do is eat a croissant au chocolat and catch my breath.

The one who gets the whale

When I started this blog I had every intention of posting every week, or a few times a week. But life happens as I like to say. I don’t know how frequent posters manage to update their blogs every week because I, for one, can’t do it. Or at least do not have the energy to do so. My default status is to hide behind my books. So I’m trying to live amongst the people once again despite all the disappointments I’ve had lately with people. Hell is other people, I always think.

My grand plan of moving out of my place into a new one by tomorrow failed miserably. Not only did I realized I made a grave mistake of wanting to room with a not-so reliable person, a greedy landlord is holding my deposit + my first and last months’ deposit in her greedy little hands. She met with me and she was a nice, cordial person.  She met with my future roommate and she wasn’t so nice, or so cordial. My future roommate bolted on the transaction and left me holding a bag of crap, so to speak. The landlord won’t give me my money back, all $2800 of it, because according to her, she lost money when I bolted from the agreement. Her other option was to charge me rent for 10 months. As of this writing I’m still waiting for her check to clear. I don’t know if there’s a check that was actually deposited in my account but for now, I’m saving all her text messages saying she deposited my money back, just in case, you know, I have to go to small claims court.

I have tuition fee to pay for, by the way. All $1715 of it, and I’m waiting to get my money back so I can pay for my tuition fee. U have 8 credits left for my BA degree and the stress of not knowing if I’m able to pay for that is eating away at me. Did I mention this month was a giant ball of expenses and bills? I went to a routine dental check-up and by the time I left, I paid $270 for future treatments. I don’t know how I went from a $30 prescription toothpaste to a procedure which costs $210. Thank god for my top-of-the-line insurance, the bill would have been close to a $1000. I don’t know whether I really needed the procedure or whether they saw I have $1800 in insurance benefits left and saw $ and heard the cash register ding.

Sometimes, I really don’t know anymore.

It’s tough being an adult in a greedy, capitalistic country. Did I mention I had to have repairs done on my car, and same thing, I don’t know whether it’s necessary or people just need to hit their sales goals? This is why I like working in food; I’m not forcing people to go without the necessary stuff if they don’t want to.

This is why I’m holding out on my place. For a small amount I live in a safe neighborhood with friendly landlords and roommates. It’s not the most glamorous living arrangement but I like having the extra cash cushion.

Amidst all of this I’m looking at jobs outside my field and all I want to do is cry—$10 an hour for an editorial job in a newspaper near and dear to my heart; ten whole dollars for my labor. I looked at a very interesting job opportunity for a non-profit but it only pays $200 a week. $200 a week. My rent is $550 a month, without a trust fund I don’t how I’ll be able to eat or pay for gas.  I need to stop looking at job ads because all I want to do is cry, and I get this sour feeling in my stomach.

I’m graduating in exactly 2 weeks. I still have summer classes but still, I’m graduating in 2 weeks. I started college when I was 17 and I finally made it out at 28. I can tell you that this diploma means a lot more to me than all these kids whose parents paid for college. I don’t know if my degree will open up an fiscally-viable doors but this is my Everest, my Moby Dick, and finally, I’m the one who gets the whale.

Last night, because I can’t sleep, I sent my application for a short course program at the state university. It’s a 3-credit class and I have no doubt in my mind that this 3-credit class will crack open some doors that are sealed from my sights. Who knows? If I like this class, I might keep going until I have a whole new batch of skill sets that I never had before. That, to me, is the most exciting prospect of all.

That Sally Field moment

Last night after working nine-days straight without time off, and almost unlimited overtime thrown in the mix, I emceed a fundraising event for the NGO near and dear to my heart. I bought a pair of shoes that are "so not me" bright pink and fuchsia and gave me about three extra inches of height. The kind of shoes that turn complete strangers into adoring fans. My red dress wanted something fun to dance with, and my black pumps isn't going to cut it.

I've never emceed before, and I really hope after last night, I won't have to do it again. I'll be lying if I say I didn't have that Sally Field moment of thinking, "they like me! they really like me!" I stood in front of about a hundred people and told my story, the way I can only tell my story, of being constantly underachieving to overachieving in less than a year's time. I spoke about the power and magic of wishing, and how my three small wishes harnessed force, and became so powerful it steered the course of my life forever.

One more wish I had that I never fully articulated is meeting this one board member. Her educational aspirations closely resembled mine but she changed paths and became a Senior Program Manager at Microsoft. Full disclosure: I've been harboring thoughts of learning front-end web development and I've had a nagging suspicion for months now that I should scratch that itch.

And so, I asked for her card, when she casually mentioned we should talk more in the future. I checked the website just to be sure I am talking to the person I wanted to talk to forever. I shot her a quick e-mail asking about the possibility of a coffee date in the future. I want to pick this woman's brain, you gotta understand.