Really...

Forever the introvert, I went to a Christmas party and left less than an hour later. I wanted some "me" time, more than anything. I worked over eight hours today with a 5-minute break. Such is the life of a manager, you get paid more, but you give up small luxuries such as taking a break or eating your lunch.

I was smart, I ate a big breakfast burrito filled with vegetables on a sprouted wheat tortilla. My blood sugar stayed even throughout my very long day and I didn't get "hangry." I may not be good with other intuitive nudges in my life but when it comes to feeding myself, I've grown quite familiar with the plains and hills of my blood sugar.

After leaving the party, I drove over to the pub I always frequent. The place where I always feel warm and welcome. As luck would have it, they had crab cakes on the specials. Crab cakes are one of life's most beautiful creations. Eating my vegetables first, a few bites of potatoes next, and then the crab cakes. Intuitively, I should have had just one crab cake. I had two and a half squares of rice cripies and a handful of white chocolate popcorn at the party I left. I'm learning how to eat at the 70%, 75% (level) at the most, just like the Japanese.

But I was exhausted, tired, worn out. I filled the empty, dark spaces in my soul with food again. Really, I should be happy/ecstatic. Talking to my friend about all of this year's bounty and graces and I pretty much won the lottery. All the scholarship money, growing my hourly rate 6 dollars, my fabulous insurance, and all the wonderful people I've known and met this year...

Really, I should be happy/ecstatic but most days I just fell left out, like the bus moved on without me when I was standing in front of the queue the whole time.