warmth

"You're searching for the wrong things."

Once before, I used to hear messages, not unlike a phone call or a well-placed text from a friend. When I was driving around in my old neighborhood, I heard this message from above the pop song I don't even remember listening to.

I miss that, the celestial messages I get every so often. Now, those messages are few and far in between. Most of the messages I've been receiving lately are either warm, and stick to your soul kind of words, or words that say without meaning to, "you're not good enough."

As I ponder that message, I wonder what that truly means. I've considered downsizing my life even more but there's not a whole lot more to give. Although I would be very happy to trade my SUV for a smaller, compact care but that's another story. I don't have the self-medicating issues of most people my age (and maybe even older than me). If reading way too much is self-medication, then call me a hot mess.

Right now, I'm facing a huge challenge at work. Without giving too much away, the next few months is going to be a Mastodon effort to steer a ship on course. I could be facing six days of work, every week, for months. I'm ready to roll up my sleeves and have already mentally prepared for the challenges we're dealing with, and more that are coming up.

I should be happy, right? I'm an editor, that's what I do. I like to cut the fat and expose the lean meat; but the deep dissatisfaction is wrapping its cold arms around me again, and I can't ever, ever get warm enough.